Birthday Ruined

It finally happened. Will Leitch ruined my birthday in grand fashion. I confronted the Leitch. I was Bill O'Riley to his pin-head liberal martyr, but after besting my foe, I found I could no longer enjoy my birthday. To quote Hans, "And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept. For there were no more worlds to conquer."

Photographic evidence below:




More photos of that tragic night can be found here.

My work here is done. I'm moving on. I have a new blog with a new mission statement. You see, today is the birthday of Tom Brokaw. I'll be dammed if that guy is getting a free pass. Check out the excitement!

Will Leitch Has A Date With Destiny

This a blind date. It will be video taped. I might add thought bubbles over your head so that people at home can have a giggle. Like, if Destiny asks you what you'd do with a million dollars, and you say, "Donate it to kids with aids cancer," and then Destiny rolls her eyes... I'm gonna put a thought bubble there that says, "Yeah, right. You'd probably spend it all toys and shit..." And then people are gonna laugh. Because it's funny when people think things they don't say.

Also, if you and Destiny go back to her place, and then you come into the studio for an interview, I'm gonna totally ask about the embarrassing details. And you'll turn all red because this shit is humiliating. And she'll be like, "Destiny knows what Destiny likes in man, and you just don't have it." And when she says that, she'll be looking at your crotch. That's when the people in the audience start going all, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." They're saying that because they think your penis didn't do sex right.

So, yeah. Date with Destiny. Tonight. That's what you get for ruining the most precious day of the year.

UPDATE: The Who, What, When, Where and Wang of tonight's happening at Sports Brethren

Today's The Day

The first gift has arrived. My core will be rock solid when I kick some ass tonight.

My Birthday Wishes

Dear Santa,
My birthday is coming up, and I have three wishes. I want five kilos of Peruvian cocaine, William Shatner to eat pudding, and Will Leitch to stay the hell away from my birthday party.

In exchange, I am willing to take care of your problem with the Bolivian Consulate and see to it that your citizenship is returned.

Thank you in advance,
Mr. Feelings


Dear Mr. Feelings,
#1: Those Kilos are coming in mail.

#2: KAZAAAM!

#3: That shit can't be helped. Would you settle for a Thai sex slave?

Let me know as I desperately need to travel through Bolivia and would certainly appreciate the ability to vote.

Thanks,
Santa

Birthday Dystopia

We thought ourselves gods... creators of life, but we were merely masters of our own doom. All hail the robot overlords as they generously serenade me in honor of my birth anniversary!

Fact: My Birthday is Important

These events all happened on my birthday. Coincidence? I think not.

1576 - Henry of Navarre converts to Roman Catholicism in order to ensure his right to the throne of France.
1631 - Roger Williams emigrates to Boston.
1778 - South Carolina becomes the first state to ratify the Articles of Confederation.
1885 - King Léopold II of Belgium establishes the Congo as a personal possession.
1958 - A hydrogen bomb known as the Tybee Bomb is lost by the US Air Force off the coast of Savannah, Georgia, never to be recovered.
1962 - French President Charles De Gaulle calls for allowing Algeria to be an independent nation.
1971 - Apollo program: Apollo 14 Mission - Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell aboard LM, Antares land on the Moon at Fra Mauro formation.
1988 - Manuel Noriega is indicted on drug smuggling and money laundering charges.
1988 - Comic Relief holds the first "Red Nose Day", which raises £15 million in the United Kingdom for charity.
2008 - Will Leitch ruins an otherwise perfect party.

WHY?

Question: What's this blog about?
Answer: Mind your own business.
Question: Did Will Leitch ruin your birthday?
Answer: No, but he's gonna.
Question: When is your birthday?
Answer: You should know that by now.
Question:...
Answer: It's February 5th! Come on! You knew that! I never forget your birthday. This is the problem with us. I'm always giving my best effort, always trying to make you happy, and you just don't give a damn about me. I can't take this. I'm going for a walk.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Answer: Hey, sorry about that. It's just... my blood sugar gets low, and I yell.
Question:
Answer: What? Are you giving me the silent treatment? Jesus, I quit.